Churchiness

About 4 years ago we started going to church. We had young children and we had started to consider their developing spirituality. Brian and I come from different places as far as our religious history goes, but spiritually we are similar. We found a Methodist church in our area with a liberal congregation, we became members of the church and we have been relatively happy there up until the past year.

Last week I made an appointment to speak with the Pastor. Brian and I have decided to take some time away from the church for awhile, and I wanted to let him know our reasoning. I really like our Pastor and since I am pretty involved with the church I didn't think it was fair to him or to the church for us to just stop coming all of a sudden. I was also trying to avoid people from the congregation coming to our house to inquire why we hadn't been at church!

It was very hard for me to open up to the Pastor, but I left the meeting feeling relieved. Like I said, I really like the Pastor as a person and I consider him a friend- so there was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint him simply because of that. However, I have always been relatively blunt, and when something is bothering me I do speak up. It did feel good to talk about why I have been unhappy at this church, and why I feel some time away would be a good thing. It was harder for me to tell the Pastor about the more personal things- the way I haven't always felt welcomed at the church, the coldness of the services, the elitist quality of the congratation, the micro-managing of every procedure done. Complaining about the church things was hard because there really is not a lot the Pastor can do about the institutional quality, that's the way the Methodist church is, but I felt that I owed it to him to be honest.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from my Pastor and I was touched. He suggested a few books for me to read, and he even suggested a few churches for me to check out in the area. He really is such a good guy- like many of the people I cultivated relationships with in the church, I am hopeful that friendship will outlast this little bump in the road that I am experiencing.

I am also looking forward to my Sundays at home with my family. Sunday was such a stressful time for us. Rushing around in the morning to get ready, my husband was not always on board and I still had to get the kids ready and deal with their complaints. I taught Sunday School much of the time, so I had to be ready for that, get my supplies togeter, then came Sunday School which was mostly good and rewarding except for some passive-aggressive adult personalities, and then church which was pretty much like sitting in school. Once we got home we were exhausted and I didn't really feel like the whole thing was worth it. I have never found God in the the church my entire life. I have found him in my relationships with others and in the challenging situations I face during adversity. Church just doesn't seem to bring about a spiritual growth for me right now, and because I really want all of my actions to be thoughtful and deliberate, I can't justify the church experience at this particular church for my family any longer right now.

I am committed to finishing out some things at the church that I am in the middle of right now, but by early October I will be done, and I am really looking forward to a decompression period of church-free Sundays. I will check out some other churches after that, and it will be interesting to see if my issues are related to all churched or just the one particular church I am coming from. However it works out, it will be a needed journey for me right now.