Five!

My youngest child turned 5 yesterday.



It is my opinion that 5 is the perfect age for your child when you are a parent. I loved the age of 5 with my older two kids. They loved to cuddle and be carried, but they also were big enough to do much on their own. They were curious about how the world worked and were full of endless questions, but they also were forming their own opinions. They were on the verge of really reading and writing, but they still loved to be read to and held on laps. Five is the age when you really begin to see the person your child is becoming, and you love that little person!

My little Miles is the quintessential five year old. He can spend hours sitting still and building a Lego set, but he also has the need to run around the house endlessly as if he doesn't have to ever rest. He wants to learn to ride his bike without training wheels, but he is still afraid to try. He loves to pet soft animals and he can be very gentle and loving to our cats, but he can also visciously chase them with his toy cars and terrorize them with his yelling.

Miles still sleeps with us in our bed most of the time. We can convince him to sleep in his room with his brother once in awhile, but he is so cute and so cuddly that we can't resist letting him in. We know he is our last child, and with the years slipping by so quickly, we want to squeeze in every last cuddle and kiss that we can. It won't be long before those little hands are no longer reaching for ours in the night, and we won't remember the sound of his little voice.

I know that with each child's birthday there is a bittersweetness that is unavoidable. But with FIVE there is so much to enjoy right now!

Necessary chicken post

At one time this blog was pretty much nothing but posts about chickens and running. I am really going to try and not do that again. As much as I enjoy both chickens and running, when I go back and read my entries I almost fall asleep with boredom. I think a once-in-awhile post is timely though, and because yesterday was the first day of SPRING I feel entitled to write a chicken post.

This week I will be putting 10 light sussex chicken eggs into the incubator (pic of light sussex is above). I am extremely excited about this. Last year we didn't hatch out any chicks, and we didn't buy any either. In the fall I culled the flock and only kept my 6 youngest hens and my old, favorite hen that I can't bear to get rid of. So I am only at 7 hens and that entitles me to some baby chicks! I really don't like to keep any more than 10 hens at a time. The coop starts to get crowded over 10, and even though I do sell eggs, it is a pain and I prefer not to do it if I don't have to. Ten hens gives us more than enough eggs for my family, my mother-in-law, my parents and some extra to sell or give to friends.

Right now I have 2 Buckeyes, 2 Welsummers, 1 Austrolorp, 1 Speckled Sussex and my old, favorite Americauna hen who at this point is at least 6 or 7 years old. All of these birds, with the exception of the Americauna are very dark. I really felt the need to get some lighter colors into the flock, and the Light Sussex are gorgeous birds with white feathers and a black neck. In May I have 5 Buff Orpington chicks coming, but I am only going to keep 2 of them and the other 3 are going to a friend. So I am injecting some white and gold into the flock and the result will be a beautiful diversity. I am dreaming about some blue or lavendar to make up a supremely colorful flock, but that will have to wait until next year!

Finding meaning in a meaningless job

This week I am on spring break. I work in a store inside a dormitory at a local university and when the dorm is closed for university breaks I am on vacation :) I really need the break this time. I have been very busy at home and I have been working a lot of extra hours at work and it takes its toll on me.

I started working part time two years ago, and it was a real adjustment for me. I had a very hard time leaving my family. That worked itself out after awhile, and I can honestly say now that the hardest part about working is not being away from my family. The hardest part about working is finding some kind meaning in a meaningless job, and a motivation to work outside of just the money. It is very easy for me to get in a rut where I think about how meaningless my job is, how little money I make, how my health is suffering becuase of my lack of sleep, and how I could easily be replaced by another worker and it wouldn't make a difference to anyone. I feel like my intelligence and my college degree don't matter- and in my job, they don't.

I get very depressed when I start to think this way, and last year I spent a lot of time battling those feelings. This year has been much better, and I have really tried to find ways to make my job more meaningful, and cultivate relationships with my co-workers and students that make working more enjoyable.

It has been a stretch for me. The university students are wonderful. They are quirky and polite and really a joy to talk to. However, the employees are not that way. Most of the people I work with have been beaten down by life, they don't have postive family or home lives, they have major challenges that make my challenges seem very miniscule. Many of them have serious health problems, and most of them are living under the poverty line and collect some kind of government assistance. Over the summer they collect unemployment and they are happy with the work-during-the-school-year/ collect-unemployment-during-the-summer situation.

At this point I have gotten to know my co-workers pretty well, and it has been rewarding for me to be able to break through the facades and cultivate relationships with them. Despite our differences in our economic situation, our education and our values we have been able to form a kind of working family, and it has really made my work situation much more bearable, and at times, *gasp* fun.

It also makes me extremely grateful for the life that I have at home. I have never appreciated my supportive husband and my wonderful children more. When opportunities are presented to me because of our education or our financial security I don't take it for granted. I have been able to appreciate the opportunites that my children are able to experience and I no longer lament the opportunities that they can't take advantage of because of cost. I am around people everyday who can barely feed their own children and it makes my son not being able to take gymnastics very, very insignificant.

Also, I know that this working situation is temporary for me. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. When our debt is paid off I will not longer have to work, it will be optional-and the next time I go back to work it will be using my college degree to begin my working career. My co-workers are there becuase there are no other opportunities for them, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel never ends. Just the thought of that is unbearable to me. The fact that they are able to get up each day, struggle to meet their own needs and the needs of their families, and still work at this monotonous job and find some meaning in it, and even some fun in it is inspirational to me. It really shows me that the human condition and the human spirit are intertwined, but the human spirit usually wins the challenge. Could it be that this job has taught me something, that perhaps I am finding some meaning here after all? Of course it has, of course I am! My spirit has never been stronger!

Trimming the fat, paying off the debt.

For a little over a year now, B and I have been extremely focused on paying off our credit card debt with the dream of living a debt-free life.

Three years ago B had a job change, and his income was reduced by 20%. At that time we both went through a period of denial, we did not reduce our spending or overhaul our budget, and instead of coming together to plan a new budget we went our seperate ways and spent like crazy, denying the fact that the debt was piling up.

After a year of that craziness I managed to face the fact that we were in serious trouble and we absolutely had to work together and restructure our spending. B and I finally made a written budget, and I got a part-time job. Yes, I got a job. After 8 years of staying at home with my children I bit the bullet and began my evening life as a cashier, while B became full-time Daddy at night. It was very hard for us to make the adjustment, but that is another post, so I will leave it at that. The money I brought in was minimal, but we did begin to slowly pay off our credit card bills.

Then Brian had his stroke. We had medical bills on top of our cc debt. I was physically and emotionally spent. B was recovering, and struggling with every-day challenges. However, through all of these challenges B and I held onto one another and our marriage remained strong. We knew that our family and our marriage was the most important thing to us, and struggling together made us more focused on our goal of living a debt-free life.

So a year ago, last February, is when our written budget became solid, our financial goals solidified, and we really began to work together as a team to clean up our debt and reorganize our finances. We have been married for 13 years, and this past year was the first time that we have actually been openly communicating about money in a concrete, focused way. I cannot believe it took us this long, and I am sad when I think about how far we could have come financially if we had been this focused at the beginning of our marriage.

We are doing the Dave Ramsey plan. I alternately love and hate Dave Ramsey, but I will admit that his Total Money Makeover book was exactly what we needed to read last year, and working the baby steps has helped us to stay focused.

At this point we still carry about $8,000 in credit card debt, but we have no other debt except the mortgage, and our written budget is very solid. We live beneath our means now the way we should have from the beginning. Every cent I make at my job goes to pay off the cc debt, and I get an amazing amount of satisfaction from mailing my check out each month and watching that balance go down.

Our goal is to have the debt completely paid off at this time next year, and for me to return to being a SAHM. If we can do that than it will have taken us almost 3 years to clean up a mess that took less than 2 years to make. But we have learned invaluable lessons that have strengthened our marriage and our family, and led us down the path of minimalism, to FREEDOM!

Nine months ago B had a stroke.

We were watching TV in the evening, and I thought that he had fallen asleep. However, when I tried to wake him he did not respond. I shook him and slapped him and did everything that I could think of to wake him. I dragged him off of the sofa and he fell to the floor. For a moment he seemed to wake up, but he couldn't really open his eyes, and his speech was jumbled and muted. My oldest son was still awake, and he laughed when he saw his Dad fall on the floor. He thought his Dad was very sleepy, and looked silly. I called the paramedics and when they arrived they immediately told me that they thought B had a stroke, and they were taking him directly to the hospital in Columbus that specialized in stroke patients (not our local hospital).

At this point I became very focused on my job as Mom and Wife and the adrenaline kicked in. I began to mentally prepare myself for the night ahead. I don't really remember feeling worried or sad, but I do remember having an intense desire to make sure my kids were taken care of and my household would be strong in my absense. My Mom drove over, and while I was waiting for her I packed a bag of clothing for Brian, my phone, my address book, my daily planner, and a notebook.
On the drive to the hospital I fervently prayed for God to give me the strength to get through the challenges that would lie ahead, and be a strong support for B and the kids.

Once I arrived at the hospital the doctors confirmed the stroke, and I had to give consent for B to receive an "experimental" clot-busting drug. The doctors told me that B was a perfect candidate, and the drug could completely reverse the effects of the stroke if it was administered within the first 4 hours after stroke. Of course I consented and the drug was administered.
The rest of the night spent in the hospital was the hardest part. I sat next to Brian while he remained unconscious. Periodically the doctor would check and see if Brian was responding to the drug, and the nurses came in and out to do their tests and fill me in on B's stats. I spoke with the social worker, who was nice, but gave me very pitying looks and made me feel like I should be much more upset than I was. She told me, "You are so strong", which made me feel strange, as if she expected me to break down and begin sobbing. I really did not feel a lot of emotion during this point. So much had happened so quickly, and I really was most concerned about staying strong for my family. I began to plan out the next couple of days in my mind. I mentally planned child care for the kids, the dog, I calculated our financial situation, and I prepared myself to make a lot of phone calls in the morning. Eventually the lack of sleep caught up with me, and since Brian remained unresponsive I left the room to try and sleep on a sofa in the next room. A kind nurse gave me a pillow and turned the light off, and as soon as that light was off all of the strength that I had been focusing on left me, and I cried alone in the dark, afraid for my husband, and scared that he would never be the same man that I had known for the last 14 years.

A nurse woke me after an hour or so of sleep and said, "He's back!" I rushed into B's room, and he looked at me and said, "Hi Amy". I ran to him and hugged him, and then of course I began to laugh and cry at the same time, hearing his voice was so overwhelming to me. The medication had done it's job. The blood clot had been broken up, and B was regaining his capabilities. At first he could talk to me, but his speech was slurred and he was very confused. One side of his body remained paralyzed. As the morning went on however, he steadily improved. He began to regain feeling in his hands and feet, and then he slowly began to move them again. He started to remember where he was, and his speech improved. By the end of that night he had regained his physical capabilites and he was able to communicate with me without slurring or garbling his speech.

B's hospital stay was short. He was only there for 3 days, but his recovery has been a long haul. He was able to go back to work only a little over a week after his stroke, but he had lingering speech and memory issues, and even now, 9 months later, he is still struggling with some memory issues.

After B's stroke a lot of things changed for our family. Even though it was a horribly scary event, good things grew from the experience. B and I have been able to open up to one another and really communicate about some things that were a real challenge for us to deal with before. We are able to work better as a team now, and some of the adversity we faced in our family life before the stroke seemed to melt away afterwards because of our dedication. Of course the incident left us with a renewed respect for life and the awesomeness of the human body and God's healing hand.

I also have found that I can be a very strong woman when the occasion calls, and that the bonds that hold my family together are tightly woven and permanantly affixed to each one of us.

Churchiness

About 4 years ago we started going to church. We had young children and we had started to consider their developing spirituality. Brian and I come from different places as far as our religious history goes, but spiritually we are similar. We found a Methodist church in our area with a liberal congregation, we became members of the church and we have been relatively happy there up until the past year.

Last week I made an appointment to speak with the Pastor. Brian and I have decided to take some time away from the church for awhile, and I wanted to let him know our reasoning. I really like our Pastor and since I am pretty involved with the church I didn't think it was fair to him or to the church for us to just stop coming all of a sudden. I was also trying to avoid people from the congregation coming to our house to inquire why we hadn't been at church!

It was very hard for me to open up to the Pastor, but I left the meeting feeling relieved. Like I said, I really like the Pastor as a person and I consider him a friend- so there was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint him simply because of that. However, I have always been relatively blunt, and when something is bothering me I do speak up. It did feel good to talk about why I have been unhappy at this church, and why I feel some time away would be a good thing. It was harder for me to tell the Pastor about the more personal things- the way I haven't always felt welcomed at the church, the coldness of the services, the elitist quality of the congratation, the micro-managing of every procedure done. Complaining about the church things was hard because there really is not a lot the Pastor can do about the institutional quality, that's the way the Methodist church is, but I felt that I owed it to him to be honest.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from my Pastor and I was touched. He suggested a few books for me to read, and he even suggested a few churches for me to check out in the area. He really is such a good guy- like many of the people I cultivated relationships with in the church, I am hopeful that friendship will outlast this little bump in the road that I am experiencing.

I am also looking forward to my Sundays at home with my family. Sunday was such a stressful time for us. Rushing around in the morning to get ready, my husband was not always on board and I still had to get the kids ready and deal with their complaints. I taught Sunday School much of the time, so I had to be ready for that, get my supplies togeter, then came Sunday School which was mostly good and rewarding except for some passive-aggressive adult personalities, and then church which was pretty much like sitting in school. Once we got home we were exhausted and I didn't really feel like the whole thing was worth it. I have never found God in the the church my entire life. I have found him in my relationships with others and in the challenging situations I face during adversity. Church just doesn't seem to bring about a spiritual growth for me right now, and because I really want all of my actions to be thoughtful and deliberate, I can't justify the church experience at this particular church for my family any longer right now.

I am committed to finishing out some things at the church that I am in the middle of right now, but by early October I will be done, and I am really looking forward to a decompression period of church-free Sundays. I will check out some other churches after that, and it will be interesting to see if my issues are related to all churched or just the one particular church I am coming from. However it works out, it will be a needed journey for me right now.

A year and 4 months later....

I like this blog.
Just because I haven't posted in over a year doesn't mean that I have forgotten that I have a blog. I think about it often. I even printed out my previous entries so I could have a hard copy of them. I just have not been ready to write until now. I like to write when I feel positive and focused, and honestly, this past year has been a challenge on both counts. I have really had to focus on myself and my family in order to get through some things, and I am finally starting to feel like things are good again.
I still have my chickens and I still run, but the days when I wrote blog entry after blog entry about my chickens is probably over. My challenges now have become much less about myself and much more about my family and the people I relate to frequently. In one short year I have become a wiser, more thoughtful woman, and it has been a tough but also rewarding change.