Nine months ago B had a stroke.

We were watching TV in the evening, and I thought that he had fallen asleep. However, when I tried to wake him he did not respond. I shook him and slapped him and did everything that I could think of to wake him. I dragged him off of the sofa and he fell to the floor. For a moment he seemed to wake up, but he couldn't really open his eyes, and his speech was jumbled and muted. My oldest son was still awake, and he laughed when he saw his Dad fall on the floor. He thought his Dad was very sleepy, and looked silly. I called the paramedics and when they arrived they immediately told me that they thought B had a stroke, and they were taking him directly to the hospital in Columbus that specialized in stroke patients (not our local hospital).

At this point I became very focused on my job as Mom and Wife and the adrenaline kicked in. I began to mentally prepare myself for the night ahead. I don't really remember feeling worried or sad, but I do remember having an intense desire to make sure my kids were taken care of and my household would be strong in my absense. My Mom drove over, and while I was waiting for her I packed a bag of clothing for Brian, my phone, my address book, my daily planner, and a notebook.
On the drive to the hospital I fervently prayed for God to give me the strength to get through the challenges that would lie ahead, and be a strong support for B and the kids.

Once I arrived at the hospital the doctors confirmed the stroke, and I had to give consent for B to receive an "experimental" clot-busting drug. The doctors told me that B was a perfect candidate, and the drug could completely reverse the effects of the stroke if it was administered within the first 4 hours after stroke. Of course I consented and the drug was administered.
The rest of the night spent in the hospital was the hardest part. I sat next to Brian while he remained unconscious. Periodically the doctor would check and see if Brian was responding to the drug, and the nurses came in and out to do their tests and fill me in on B's stats. I spoke with the social worker, who was nice, but gave me very pitying looks and made me feel like I should be much more upset than I was. She told me, "You are so strong", which made me feel strange, as if she expected me to break down and begin sobbing. I really did not feel a lot of emotion during this point. So much had happened so quickly, and I really was most concerned about staying strong for my family. I began to plan out the next couple of days in my mind. I mentally planned child care for the kids, the dog, I calculated our financial situation, and I prepared myself to make a lot of phone calls in the morning. Eventually the lack of sleep caught up with me, and since Brian remained unresponsive I left the room to try and sleep on a sofa in the next room. A kind nurse gave me a pillow and turned the light off, and as soon as that light was off all of the strength that I had been focusing on left me, and I cried alone in the dark, afraid for my husband, and scared that he would never be the same man that I had known for the last 14 years.

A nurse woke me after an hour or so of sleep and said, "He's back!" I rushed into B's room, and he looked at me and said, "Hi Amy". I ran to him and hugged him, and then of course I began to laugh and cry at the same time, hearing his voice was so overwhelming to me. The medication had done it's job. The blood clot had been broken up, and B was regaining his capabilities. At first he could talk to me, but his speech was slurred and he was very confused. One side of his body remained paralyzed. As the morning went on however, he steadily improved. He began to regain feeling in his hands and feet, and then he slowly began to move them again. He started to remember where he was, and his speech improved. By the end of that night he had regained his physical capabilites and he was able to communicate with me without slurring or garbling his speech.

B's hospital stay was short. He was only there for 3 days, but his recovery has been a long haul. He was able to go back to work only a little over a week after his stroke, but he had lingering speech and memory issues, and even now, 9 months later, he is still struggling with some memory issues.

After B's stroke a lot of things changed for our family. Even though it was a horribly scary event, good things grew from the experience. B and I have been able to open up to one another and really communicate about some things that were a real challenge for us to deal with before. We are able to work better as a team now, and some of the adversity we faced in our family life before the stroke seemed to melt away afterwards because of our dedication. Of course the incident left us with a renewed respect for life and the awesomeness of the human body and God's healing hand.

I also have found that I can be a very strong woman when the occasion calls, and that the bonds that hold my family together are tightly woven and permanantly affixed to each one of us.

Churchiness

About 4 years ago we started going to church. We had young children and we had started to consider their developing spirituality. Brian and I come from different places as far as our religious history goes, but spiritually we are similar. We found a Methodist church in our area with a liberal congregation, we became members of the church and we have been relatively happy there up until the past year.

Last week I made an appointment to speak with the Pastor. Brian and I have decided to take some time away from the church for awhile, and I wanted to let him know our reasoning. I really like our Pastor and since I am pretty involved with the church I didn't think it was fair to him or to the church for us to just stop coming all of a sudden. I was also trying to avoid people from the congregation coming to our house to inquire why we hadn't been at church!

It was very hard for me to open up to the Pastor, but I left the meeting feeling relieved. Like I said, I really like the Pastor as a person and I consider him a friend- so there was a big part of me that didn't want to disappoint him simply because of that. However, I have always been relatively blunt, and when something is bothering me I do speak up. It did feel good to talk about why I have been unhappy at this church, and why I feel some time away would be a good thing. It was harder for me to tell the Pastor about the more personal things- the way I haven't always felt welcomed at the church, the coldness of the services, the elitist quality of the congratation, the micro-managing of every procedure done. Complaining about the church things was hard because there really is not a lot the Pastor can do about the institutional quality, that's the way the Methodist church is, but I felt that I owed it to him to be honest.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from my Pastor and I was touched. He suggested a few books for me to read, and he even suggested a few churches for me to check out in the area. He really is such a good guy- like many of the people I cultivated relationships with in the church, I am hopeful that friendship will outlast this little bump in the road that I am experiencing.

I am also looking forward to my Sundays at home with my family. Sunday was such a stressful time for us. Rushing around in the morning to get ready, my husband was not always on board and I still had to get the kids ready and deal with their complaints. I taught Sunday School much of the time, so I had to be ready for that, get my supplies togeter, then came Sunday School which was mostly good and rewarding except for some passive-aggressive adult personalities, and then church which was pretty much like sitting in school. Once we got home we were exhausted and I didn't really feel like the whole thing was worth it. I have never found God in the the church my entire life. I have found him in my relationships with others and in the challenging situations I face during adversity. Church just doesn't seem to bring about a spiritual growth for me right now, and because I really want all of my actions to be thoughtful and deliberate, I can't justify the church experience at this particular church for my family any longer right now.

I am committed to finishing out some things at the church that I am in the middle of right now, but by early October I will be done, and I am really looking forward to a decompression period of church-free Sundays. I will check out some other churches after that, and it will be interesting to see if my issues are related to all churched or just the one particular church I am coming from. However it works out, it will be a needed journey for me right now.

A year and 4 months later....

I like this blog.
Just because I haven't posted in over a year doesn't mean that I have forgotten that I have a blog. I think about it often. I even printed out my previous entries so I could have a hard copy of them. I just have not been ready to write until now. I like to write when I feel positive and focused, and honestly, this past year has been a challenge on both counts. I have really had to focus on myself and my family in order to get through some things, and I am finally starting to feel like things are good again.
I still have my chickens and I still run, but the days when I wrote blog entry after blog entry about my chickens is probably over. My challenges now have become much less about myself and much more about my family and the people I relate to frequently. In one short year I have become a wiser, more thoughtful woman, and it has been a tough but also rewarding change.